The last two weeks my son, Arturo and I have been touring schools and speaking with our future generation. As I speak with the students, it amazes me to see the enthusiasm and excitement when an author shows up at their front door steps. One thing I have noticed is the creativity that still exists with our young kids. With all the technology students are using these days, you would think it would have deteriorated somewhat. But, I would like to be the first to tell you that is not so. Students still use their creativity and imagination without even knowing. But, what I really want to talk about is role modeling.
During our presentation, we talk to the students about “role models”, and that piece does concern me. After speaking to almost 20,000 students in the last few months, it has become apparent we need more role models for our children. We do not need more super heroes. Many of the students we spoke with idolize role models – that do not exist. I had several kids tell me their role models were characters like “Batman, Superman, Spiderman and even the Green Hornet”. I understand they are looking to emulate someone who is strong and courageous, but they also should be real. Too many kids are looking up to people who exist in movies or comic books. Great for their imagination, but they need to relate to someone they can aspire to be (I’m not sure leaping over tall buildings, or shooting webs to glide across them is a good idea).
We cannot choose who their role models will be, but we can certainly explain what a role model can be to them…especially if they are real people. I guess the bottom line to this blog – really comes down to speaking with your kids more, and ensuring they have good guidance and direction in everything they do. The more you talk with them, the more you will be in tune with their hopes, their thoughts, their dreams and maybe even who they aspire to be. Hopefully it will be someone like you…
Start the conversation with them….ask them, “who would you consider your role model to be….?”
What do you see?
One of the five basic needs to developing a healthy and confident child is to show them “respect” as well as to others. Finding common ground is a good way of accomplishing this, and also shows that you are willing to hear them out. In some cases, it may reduce stress and that anxiety we tend to built up as well.
As parents, we sometimes think we know all the answers, but you will be amazed at some of the responses you will get from your kids. Sit down, talk to them and ask them stuff. You’ll be surprised at what they truly know and understand. I know I did!
One key strategy for showing acceptance and respect is getting feedback from your children. I say this because that is part of my daily routine. I tend to ask my kids and get feedback on our conversations (of course, use good judgment and don’t ask your child about how to invest or about the next big stock).
This simple strategy also strengthens the relationship and makes them feel confident and comfort about themselves. Finding common ground is also about compromising with your children. We don’t have to win all the battles with our kids, just the important ones! Establishing that equal playing field really does create a comfortable family environment, and shows respect for one another. Simple but effective!
Would love to hear your thoughts!
If you haven’t noticed my now, I love my kids dearly as many of you love yours. People continuously ask me how I have developed such an incredible relationship with my (3) sons, and how well I connect with them. Well…there is no “silver bullet” for this just hard work. Every relationship requires lots of work, whether it’s with your son, daughter, spouse or your neighbor!
My secret is actually very simple, but complex at the same time. I TALK to my kids…A LOT – about everything. We have developed such a comfort level that is pretty amazing. It sounds so simple but requires absolute trust. Sounds weird since they are your kids, but you would be amazed at those parents that do not feel comfortable speaking with their children – let alone trusting them.
My journey started long ago. The conversations I had with my kids were both – good and tough, mostly tough at first. The tough conversations were very challenging, but the good ones were life changing. Those were the ones I focused on the most. So, when it came time to “praise” them during the good conversations, I made a big deal out of it. So, guess what they wanted the next time…and the next? After a while, the conversations became very pleasant, and the pendulum swung from tough to good. Every time I had a good positive conversation, I made my kids feel like a million bucks. Never underestimate the power of “praising someone sincerely in public”. The trick here – Do it so it’s meaningful, but don’t do it so frequently where it gets “watered down” and loses the effect. This has been my strategy and has worked for me. But, like anything else…it takes time to develop and evolve, so let it.
For me, this has been a beautiful journey and a great experience to have this type of relationship with my boys. The beauty of all this is that I know they will follow and do the same with their children. At the end of the day, we as parents can just guide them and provide great examples for them to follow. The rest is up to them…
Try this strategy, and let me know how you progress…
May the New Year bring you incredible bonds with everyone you touch and inspire!
Once upon a time there were three bears (OK…maybe not bears, but my kids) – Arturo, Alejandro and Andres. My kids have just completed their last week of school and have been ready for their winter break weeks ago. I could see the stress taking a toll on them. So, I did what any parent would do…I asked them, “What is the source of your stress son, but more importantly how do you plan on reducing or eliminating it? …Because it’s driving dad crazy!!” I took notes (which I thought would make a good blog topic so here we are) and interviewed my kids because the best source of information and “subject matter material” is from the source themselves – our kids. They may not have the technical or scientific background to officially give us advice, but they are the best to tell us what is wrong.
The oldest bear Arturo, 20, was coming home for the holidays from San Jose State University, and just finished his most stressful week of finals in a long time. As an honors student all his life, he has always felt the pressure to perform, but somehow has always managed to do it. As I interviewed my son, Arturo – he explained that one key tip that has allowed him to remain sane is – The support he receives from his friends, and his family. Arturo turns to the people around him to help him get through those stressful times – whether it is finals or the upcoming holidays. The best medicine, in his case is to have a good friend(s) to laugh with, get goofy with, be spontaneous with, or just share his time in a non-productive teenager kind of way.
My second bear is Alejandro. He handles stress much differently than my older bear. He loves music and dives right into his passion when things are not going his way. Alejandro, 15, stated, “When I want to forget about things because they are stressing me out…I do something to get it off my mind. I go and play my guitar and lose it!” In his case it is music, but for others it could be exercise, reading a book, or making cookies. The idea is to do something that makes you feel good, puts you in a relaxed state of mind, and allows you to forget why you were stressing out. (At 15, there really isn’t much!)
Andres, the third and youngest little bear loves to use his imagination for relieving stress. He loves to play pretend, and has actually put a short film together with his older brothers, called “Crankie Carols (Scrooge)”, and pretends to be one of the characters of the story (Soon to come out on YouTube!). Andres keeps his imagination and creativity firing on all cylinders all day, every day. At 9 years old, he doesn’t really experience much stress, but his creativity and imagination doesn’t allow him to either. We help Andres and continuously encourage him to remain positive and say positive things. This helps when my kids start stressing each other out!
At the end of the day, we the parents, provide the environment to allow them to recognize their stress and allow them to find creative ways to handle it – with some support. So, three tips from the Miramontes kids:
- From Arturo – Rely on friends and family to get you through those stressful times by enjoying their company and doing something entertaining with them. Sometimes it’s not about the activity but the company you have that helps you out.
- From Alejandro – Do activities like music, reading, cooking (with parental supervision) or something that makes you feel relaxed, and puts you in a positive state of mind.
- From Andres – Encourage positive conversations and dialogue, and be creative with your time.
What tips do your children have for reducing stress?
Respecting your children is another key to satisfying their basic needs. One thing I have noticed as my kids continue to grow and mature is how they start to emulate their parents. At first, I did not believe this myth. I remember my family members saying, “Your kids are going to be just like you someday….” (I think we have all heard that I’m sure). Wow, they couldn’t be any more correct! And now, I’m proud of it.
As a parent, one thing I am still working on is to respect my kids even more so. So, what am I doing differently? For starters – listening more. I am becoming more patient and listening to them because they have a lot to say. It is amazing to hear them when you stop to LISTEN to them. Not hear them, but LISTEN. I marvel at my son Andres who is 9 years old, and how his vocabulary has expanded, and how imaginative he has become. We, as parents, need to listen more and talk less; we need to be less directive and more suggestive; and, continue to emphasis those courteous phrases that will carry them through adulthood, like “thank you”, “please” and “I’m sorry”. We need to cultivate those basic family values that will lead our kids to become role models and develop those respectful behaviors that will eventually be passed onto their children.
So, the next time your child wants to talk…stop, respect and LISTEN. The time you spend with them is an investment in developing them to learn the value of being respected, and being respectful. Comments?
In the last two months, my son Arturo and I have been promoting our new children’s book, “There’s An Elephant In My Bathtub”. Part of our promotional efforts is to visit Elementary schools to share our story, but more importantly to inspire and motivate the kids to be the best they can be. One of the most gratifying things so far has been the attention that we have received from the students, teachers and educators. I did not realize the impact my son and I have been making with the kids until I saw one student today. He was so excited to meet us in person again, as I saw his eyes light up. My son and I immediately re-enforced that excitement by making him feel even more special than the first time.
One of our objectives when we present to the kids is to satisfy one of their basic needs – “the need to make them feel important”. We focus on delivering the message that the presentations are not about what we have done, but how great they can be. We have presented to over 10,000 students, teachers, community groups/leaders, and others in the last (2) months, and have done one thing consistently that has made a significant impact – make them feel like the most important person on this earth. It is amazing to see how making someone feel like “a rock star” can go a long way. It doesn’t take a lot of effort, but it does take being genuine.
Make someone feel like a rock star this week….and write back to me. How did it feel for you? More importantly, how do you think it felt for them?
I would love to hear from you….
Being a parent is probably one of the greatest joys someone can experience in life, yet be one of the most difficult and challenging responsibilities one will ever have. Once you become a parent, you are one forever and it doesn’t get any easier. Kids today are growing up quicker, faster and yes…smarter, but are growing up in an age of constant change, major anxiety and extreme uncertainty. The concept of understanding their (5) critical needs to achieve balanced emotional health is vital to the support of the child. Our children will change over time, but these critical needs will not. Children need to feel – respected, important, accepted, included, and secure.
When we can incorporate their needs, recognize their importance and become knowledgeable on how to satisfy them, we will be able to develop a strategy that is effective and consistent to the parenting process. In understanding these needs, we also have to become more proactive vs. reactive, protective but not overly controlling, remain positive vs. negative, consistent instead of unpredictable, and relaxed rather than tense.
In my book, “There’s An Elephant In My Bathtub”, the story satisfies these critical needs and promotes a healthy environment for a child to develop. In this case, the young child, Andres was able to use his imagination without the fear of rejection and ridicule. His way of being was respected and accepted. Throughout the story, it is also evident that the environment he lives in is very secure.
Creating and executing a strategy with consistency will increase the likelihood of becoming that supportive parent kids will learn to appreciate now and in years to come.
So, what is your strategy to becoming a supportive parent?